time

esme
it is good to learn that you are happy
I always wanted you to be happy
I always wanted you to be happy because of me. together with me
I always wanted us to be happy together
still want it today
but obviously I failed    

nothing can kill you when you’re already dead

I read Esme’s mail on the market square of the big city in the south. I had just been talking to some guys who had created a web community for youths but behaved as if they were twice my age. On my way to the airport, I had stopped by the market to buy some food [...]

Re: knight

i am alright yes. les is here, he got cold so i am nursing him.
mick, what happen to me made me realize how fragile and vulnerable people are
i have always thought i was a strong person, indifference was my armour… but once you open your heart to one person, anyone can come in.
when he looks [...]

knight

I remember touching you for the first time. Kissing you for the first time. Never wanted to touchkiss anybody else. Still don’t. Airports will never be the same. Airports have no meaning if there are no steps and no taxi stopping and no you flying out towards me.

spoiling the waiting game

I feel like watching a movie I don’t like much but am not allowed to leave. Some sinister force makes me sit through that flick with eyes wide open and an unbelieving expression on my face.
Beer and popcorn keep me alive for the time being.
Nothing from Esme. I’m not insisting myself. If she needs time, [...]

You

Miss you. Every day. Every day more.
09-25, 12:51

void

there are three things which cannot be deconstructed:

first is love. second is death. third is void.
I never realized that these three things – so different from the outside – at a closer look are basically three sides of the same coin.
If a coin had three sides.
Isn’t it amazing how philosophically creative one can become after [...]

I never want to open my eyes again

this is not working. it is NOT working. nothing. not in the least. what else can I do?
I tried to reason you out of my system. no way.
I tried to run you out of my system. I get faster by that, exhausted. that’s it.
I tried to work you out of my system. I’m home late [...]

you have all the right to miss me (09-21, 16:26)

Esme, you have all the right in the world to miss me, just like I keep on missing you. How could I forget that you were there? And I don’t see it as anyone’s fault.

you were not alone (09-21, 15:49)

Oh just stop it! Don’t talk to me in this fashion, like this was all your fault. You were not alone there, remember? It was me loving you so. And now I have my fair right to miss you