unseen, my heart is still beating. beating for esme.
Life without Esme is starting to become reality. The throbbing pain, the checking of e-mail and SMS just to find nothing, the memories becoming threadbare – all these signs of a love lost are closing in on me. I try to keep them at bay by re-reading our story, by re-arranging reality, by re-inventing history.
But sometimes I feel that I am not strong enough to keep this up for much longer.
I sent her an SMS the other day. It was one month after we met in the classroom of the university. One month only. Can’t believe it. Within one month, no, within days, my life had been turned upside down. Everything I had taken for granted till then was in shreds. Everything that had been important to me is in question since then.
I am in question since then.
Esme, I love you. If it were possible, I would love you now more than I’ve ever loved you. The pain is growing day by day, my longing for you with it. And you are further away from me than ever.
It is not only that I am still caught in a relationship growing more and more unbearable. It is not only that there are two kids who would be suffering from a separation which otherwise would have been performed already.
It is also that I have no idea about Esme’s feelings towards me. Does she still love me? And even if she does, does she still want to be with me?
I have no bloody idea. I only have my feelings which ruin me physically and mentally, which make me focus only on one thing: seeing Esme again. To hear the truth from her lips. To see the truth in her eyes. To receive the coup de grace from her own hand.
To die happily, because I have loved.
