no more, she wrote. no more
I didn’t believe it would change a thing. But I did it anyway. I had Esme’s number registered for a marathon result service, and so she got a message from me. But I got a reaction after all.
It was more than I hoped for, but it was not what I wanted. “No more”, she wrote.
No more.
It’s only six characters, but it can destroy a day. Reading her words, my inner framework just melted, my self collapsed. Again, this was not the first time she told me this. But I haven’t got used to these lethal blows til now, and I don’t know whether I ever will.
The following days saw me pondering over the trip. Shouldn’t I better cancel flight and hotel, stay at home, try to forget about V. and Esme and us? Why would I go there, knowing she doesn’t want (or could not stand) to see me? Why waste money and time on a cause so obviously lost?
More than one time I was sitting in front of my iMac, staring at the hotel reservation page on the screen. Canceling the flight was only one click away. The mouse was in my hand, it would just need this one single movement to terminate all my hopes.
“Terminate my hopes”: Sounds almost as nasty as “no more”, right?
I was close, more than one time. But I never made the click. I decided on reality. Reality should terminate me, reality in V. I would go there. I would try to see Esme. Then let fate overrule my intentions, if it wants to.
