looking back from a distance, the trip was a desaster. V. is your city, because you live there. it is my city because you live there. and it is our city because we had what we had, if only for 26 hours and two weeks before and some afterwards.
what brought me down most was that when I was walking the streets and seing things, you were not there to share my discoveries with. you were there every second. But something was missing.
there was only taking in and no sharing at all. especially when I was passing places where we had been together, or where I had been in august on my own and you had only been on my mind, there was no one to turn to and say something stupid, like, “you know what: when I was/we were here last time…” or such.
what was even worse: while I was covering a large part of the city I might have passed by underneath your very window without knowing it. if I had just stopped and cried out your name, you might have heard it and come down to me.
I very likely never came near your place, and even if I had come and you would have heard me, you wouldn’t have come down because not seeing me was the right thing to do for you and you had told me before and I am not judging or complaining, just stating how I felt.
but what was the worst thing: knowing that I was in town, and you were in town, but we weren’t.
no, yes, but no, wrong, that was not the worst.
what was worst was knowing that the us is over and there will never again be an us, there only was an us for a short wonderful time with emotions and fears and desires and messages and touches and kisses and pain and looks and losses and everything real love is made of. except fulfillment.
the feeling that there will be no us in V. or anywhere, this was what was worst.
I didn’t know it then in V. I just felt it. now I know. and it feels even worse.
11-07, 09:36
November 7, 2008...9:36 am
looking back from a distance
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