happy new year is here. go away.

so this is how 2009 feels when you’re not spending most of the day inside the smallest room of your apartment trying to keep at least some fluids inside your aging body. finally made it back to the office and, surprise: it was still there.

last christmas

I feel the base hammering my stomach. I am standing next to a steel pillar in a hall of the former factory now party location. My eyes get lost in the crowd on the dance floor. Heads bopping, hair flying, naked arms raised and waving in a rhythm I can’t relate to.
The stale air is [...]

everything that rises must converge

I didn’t get it the first time. Probably no one would have. Second time I had a hunch. Third time gave me reason to read it fourth time. Then I got it. Hit me like a sledge hammer. Can’t be, I thought. Can’t be.
But chances are, it not only could, but it is. And there [...]

epilogue

having a late dinner yesterday I kept asking myself: “was it a stupid idea to come?” you’ve made it pretty clear before that you didn’t want to see me, or talk to me, or even text me.
I came nevertheless, and I still think it was the right thing to do.

the texting days are over

First thing every morning when I wake up I reach for my phone to check for text messages. I switch off the sound for the night so I never know. But I know these days, know without checking. I just don’t admit it.

sleep well. I won’t (09-07, 23:37)

Alone in my bed, I kiss you good night. We only had a single night. It feels like a decade. I kiss your feet in awe for you being yourself, for waking me up from a dream and showing me reality.    

I will always love you (09-07, 13:50)

I touch your face
every time I use the screen of my phone
you look up backwards at me
as if surprised
I will always love you
no matter what

no bottom to worse

In two days from now, life will be again as it used to be. On the surface, nothing will have happened. But during those ten days I was alone with my cats and Esme, the abyss has dug itself way deeper into the earth. I can feel myself sinking. There are no handholds I can [...]