after the race is before the flight

I didn’t believe it would change a thing. But I did it anyway. I had Esme’s number registered for a marathon result service, and so she got a message from me. But I got a reaction after all.

you’ve got mail (10-22, 18:28)

hey esme, took me a while to answer your text message. did it by mail, hope you can access it. please do. yours, mick

no coff?

Wanting to see you is not about lies, Esme. It is about us. It is about what we felt for each other, and about what I still feel for you. It is not about promises, it is about hopes. And about a dream.  

I will see her again

What can I say? After all those days, after the hope and the despair and the loneliness, we will meet. We will bloody meet again. I am so excited I can’t close her text message for minutes, I keep staring at the screen of my phone, reading and reading her words. We will see each [...]

time

esme
it is good to learn that you are happy
I always wanted you to be happy
I always wanted you to be happy because of me. together with me
I always wanted us to be happy together
still want it today
but obviously I failed    

nothing can kill you when you’re already dead

I read Esme’s mail on the market square of the big city in the south. I had just been talking to some guys who had created a web community for youths but behaved as if they were twice my age. On my way to the airport, I had stopped by the market to buy some food [...]

spoiling the waiting game

I feel like watching a movie I don’t like much but am not allowed to leave. Some sinister force makes me sit through that flick with eyes wide open and an unbelieving expression on my face.
Beer and popcorn keep me alive for the time being.
Nothing from Esme. I’m not insisting myself. If she needs time, [...]

the muted posthorn

I can feel the fever cutting ailes through my aching body, leaving burning traces on my nerves, in my brain. Everything is cottonwool, I feel like a muted posthorn. This time, it is not Esme alone. This time, it is also germs.
The only feelings that reach my core are pain. Thumping hammers in my forehead. [...]

your love: soft and warm and strong (09-07, 14:47)

And I can fell your love, soft, and warm and strong, giving me power and life, happiness and courage – and unbearable, destructive pain because I cant live up to it, cant give you what you deserve, what we deserve. I only hope that you wont wake up some day and start cursing me for [...]

no life without you (09-05, 22:56)

Mick,i am so empty.. I am so out of reasons.. out of hopes. I want no life without you