the texting days are over

First thing every morning when I wake up I reach for my phone to check for text messages. I switch off the sound for the night so I never know. But I know these days, know without checking. I just don’t admit it.

time

esme
it is good to learn that you are happy
I always wanted you to be happy
I always wanted you to be happy because of me. together with me
I always wanted us to be happy together
still want it today
but obviously I failed    

it is only one month

Life without Esme is starting to become reality. The throbbing pain, the checking of e-mail and SMS just to find nothing, the memories becoming threadbare – all these signs of a love lost are closing in on me. I try to keep them at bay by re-reading our story, by re-arranging reality, by re-inventing history.
But [...]

no bottom to worse revisited

Life is not fair. Life is not unfair either. Life is, and that is a lesson which was at least for me very hard to learn, indifferent. Life just doesn’t give a damn, doesn’t even bother to ignore what for me seems to be the most important things. You can like this or not, but [...]

worst case

it could not have gone worse, could it? I can only try to imagine how you felt on the phone.I probably wouldn’t even be close. sorry. really. 
I’m so sorry.    

the muted posthorn

I can feel the fever cutting ailes through my aching body, leaving burning traces on my nerves, in my brain. Everything is cottonwool, I feel like a muted posthorn. This time, it is not Esme alone. This time, it is also germs.
The only feelings that reach my core are pain. Thumping hammers in my forehead. [...]

today is when we are over

I knew this day would come. I didn’t know it would be this day. But what is a day when it is the day when it is over? What is a day when it’s over, and you learn that the other life, the reason that it will be over, is just as over?
“Today is when [...]

how to handle the end of us (09-07, 15:58)

We are over… A whole life lived, a whole love loved in a couple of days… What does this mean four us? Radio silence? Only memories, no more texts, no sms?    

no bottom to worse

In two days from now, life will be again as it used to be. On the surface, nothing will have happened. But during those ten days I was alone with my cats and Esme, the abyss has dug itself way deeper into the earth. I can feel myself sinking. There are no handholds I can [...]

burn

My longing for her kept on burning inside of me the whole day. Waking up in the morning, it is so strong that I make love to her with eyes closed. Calling her name, I let her take control of my body and make love to me just like she did some days ago. Exhausted, [...]